Every Wednesday we take turns to delve into our trusty longboxes, pluck out a dusty back issue, and give you our thoughts. We’ll also try and place it in the context of the time it was originally published.

After the breakout successes of Sleeper and Criminal, it’s clear that Ed Brubaker has opened the door for pulp authors to bring their strengths to mainstream comics, with Duane Swierczynski drawing much kudos from his crime literature. This cross-pollination is not a new development, but it’s curious how less self-assured even a comparatively recent attempt feels in comparison. Robert Weinberg’s credentials as a horror author are not in doubt, having written over a dozen novels and had a hand in many anthologies. After his initial venture into the world of comics was curtailed by a change in Marvel’s editorial policy (time travel was out, that year), he retuned in 2001 with this original series about a number of monstrous communities secreted in the heart of contemporary New York, and their self-appointed peacekeeper. In what was intended as an introduction to the world of Sydney Taine, Weinberg has his heroine investigate a spate of mysterious killings, trying to put the pieces together before the Nightside descends into all-out war.

 It’s impossible to talk about any creator-owned title without at least a passing mention of the artist, but Tom Derenick’s work is a particularly integral part of the book’s tone. He’s a skilled, if sometimes unremarkable, penciller, clearly influenced by Alan Davis’ work. He has, however, a trick up his sleeve. Breaking away from his previous superhero work, Derenick adds to his drawings a layer of pencil shading, giving the book an intriguing, almost monochrome look. It’s a deceptively simple move that instantly grabs the reader’s attention and adds much to the pulp detective element of the property. Despite this strength, the artist’s character designs leave something to be desired. He communicates the characters in an uncomplicated fashion, arguably to excess. Sydney is a trench-coated femme fatale, while Ape is her massively powerful henchman. In story terms, there’s little wrong with the use of such stock characters, which merely exist in as vehicles through which to explore the setting and its mysteries. However, a less obvious interpretation could have given the book the spark it lacks.

 There’s a rich mixture of influences here, with horror the most obvious, but the most interesting inclusion is the whiff of mafia-style politics, as Sydney attempts to keep a negotiated harmony between the various monstrous families. However, Weinberg appear to somewhat limits his ability to exploit this, by sometimes dumbing-down his heroes. The book’s greatest weakness is actually in its obedience to the norms of comics storytelling. While our introduction to Taine is gripping, as she deftly fends off enquiries from the city’s police force while carefully examining a crime scene, Weinberg insists on giving her a quasi-superhero costume for her confrontations with the various Nightside families, and she’s frequently found relying on her fists rather than her brains. The plot moves rapidly, with the first issue culminating in ambushes on the heroes, but it’s regrettable that the author’s narrative style doesn’t match his setting’s offbeatness.

Taine and her world later found a more comfortable home in Weinberg’s prose stories, but aside from a Wildstorm limited series, this venture sadly marked the end of his comics work. It’s arguable that the market wasn’t quite ready for the book, but its appeasement of a traditional conception of comics’ audience prevents the title achieving “aborted classic” status.

After four issues of retreat, Cable decides to stand and face Bishop, but the results of the clash aren’t anywhere near as conclusive as might have been expected. Both Swierczynski and Olivetti have noticeably raised their game during this first arc, but a number of problems make this issue a rather uncomfortable read.

That’s not to say that the writer hasn’t taken a number of well-judged decisions. The focus on Bishop, with much of the series so far viewed from his perspective, is initially surprising, but Lucas’s nineties solo series managed to remain in publication for more than a year, and the book will be strengthened if this fan base can be tapped into. The plot twist revealed towards the end of the story, whereby Cable can only move forward in time, promises some interesting stories. Presumably Swierczynski intends to confront Summers with the consequences of his actions as he continues to flee through the future, providing a different perspective on the idea of Cable’s influence on the world. This was a key part of Fabian Nicieza’s work on Cable & Deadpool, and it’s a relief to see those ideas being built upon. However, the story continues to advance extremely slowly. Swierczynski appears to have made a conscious choice to sink into the atmosphere of his future world, but after five issues of comics, the ongoing story of the book hasn’t altered in the slightest, with an under-resourced Cable still fleeing from Bishop with the baby. It takes more than showing the Phoenix logo in the little girl’s eyes to advance the story in a convincing fashion.

One particular scene strikes a jarring note towards the end of the issue, as waitress Sophie Pettit uses Cable’s discarded ordinance to breach the stronghold of the New Jersey militia, before shooting their leaders dead. Thus far, Pettit has mainly been an expositionary character, filling Cable in on the developments since he left the present day. Some empowerment of the character is already overdue, but her transformation into a gun-totting one-woman army is rather disquieting, both in moral and narrative terms. While the archetypical image of the Nathan Summers has him running around with a bazooka three times the size of his body, the book has never glorified merely possessing a gun, and the result feels rather disturbing. The idea of Cable as an inspiration has been touched on in previous incarnations of the title, particularly during David Tischman’s aborted run, but this is the first time we’ve seen him induce this particular change. It’s possible that the writer will show Summers the severe consequences of his actions as he moves forwards through time, but the issue appears to be written with a straight face, showing the psychotic Sophie as a change for the better. However, there’s also a storytelling problem with this resolution. Small packs of the militia forces have been giving both Cable and Bishop a run of their money throughout the series to date, yet Swierczynski now expects us to believe that a waitress with only basic firearms training can breach their stronghold and execute their leaders, without sustaining so much as a scratch.

The book isn’t without merit, and it’ll be interesting to see if it can develop into the time-travel epic the character has always appeared destined for. However, much of the ethos behind it leaves a sour taste in the mouth.

Apologies for the late notification, but there will be no Sunday Pages post today because the site is on hold over the weekend while we’re messing about with server and domain thingies. Normal service will resume tomorrow with Julian’s review of Cable #5!

It’s long been a tenet of Grant Morrison’s comics runs that everything makes a lot more sense once it’s finished, and that in terms of the bigger picture, it’s often better to read the complete saga altogether rather than attempting to make sense of individual issues on a month-by-month basis.

But on the other hand, Morrison is a man with a deep and inherent understanding of the medium in which he works – and despite the dense layers that sit atop his stories waiting to be unpicked, he’s not someone who simply writes for the inevitable collected edition. He’s working in a medium that is, first and foremost, serialised. As such – and this is true of both Animal Man and New X-Men, two runs that saw earlier issues significantly illuminated by what would follow – among the deep levels of mystery, he’s still aware of the importance of crafting individual, monthly issues (or shorter “mini-arcs”) that on their own terms stand out like jewels.

And that’s certainly the case with Batman #678. Ostensibly nothing more than the third part of the wider Batman RIP storyline, and with pages that advance that main plot by small measures while still retaining much of the inherent mystery and weirdness, where this issue jumps out as one of the best of Morrison’s run so far is in the relatively self-contained tale of a drugged-up, amnesiac Bruce Wayne wandering the streets of Gotham attempting to rediscover his identity.

Now, admittedly the “down-and-out with a heart of gold acting as guardian angel” is a trope that’s almost as old as story itself (even in comics, there are fairly immediate antecedents in the likes of Sandman’s Mad Hettie) but Morrison makes particularly strong use of Honor Jackson here. A character previously seen being given money on the street by Wayne (in one of those Morrisonian blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes that you’d never have guessed would prove to be important), here he’s Bruce’s guide (while also using those still-inherent fighting skills as a bodyguard) and it’s a genuinely touching tale – even moreso when Bruce learns that the man he’s spent the day with had actually died that morning (again, something that verges on cliché is given weight by the fact that it was probably Bruce’s money that gave Jackson the means to overdose). How much of the day’s experience was real, then, and how much in his head?

Irrespective of whether you actually know the Silver Age story of the Zur-En-Arrh Batman, meanwhile, that final page (complete with direct quotation of the issue in question) is an absolutely arresting image – has Bats truly gone bats? Or is he clawing his way back to a new kind of sanity? Throughout this run we’ve had hints and references made to a plethora of Silver Age concepts, and with some of the most blatant in this issue (Bat-Mite also makes an appearance, while Dr Hurt dons a costume not dissimilar to the one worn by Thomas Wayne in another old story that posited somehow that Bruce’s father was in fact the first Batman) a sense of the master plan is starting to become clear – by hook or by crook, Morrison is establishing, as part of his “new” Batman mythology, that these stories actually happened. Maybe they actually happened to Bruce, or maybe they all took place in his head as part of Hurt’s isolation experiment. Either way, though, it’s a ballsy move – tearing down the boundaries of “pre” and “post”-Crisis continuity to create something altogether more… dare we say it… legendary?

The last time DC decided to tear down the Batman, they had a drugged-up muscleman unleash the entire population of Arkham upon him before breaking into his home and snapping his back. This time, Morrison is playing on something rooted far deeper within the character – dark, twisted psychology. In requiring more than a cursory read to truly understand what’s going on, it perhaps doesn’t play to the gallery as much as a usual big-bucks blockbuster comics run might – but it’s bold, daring comics, especially in a title of this stature, and it’s all the better for it.

Warren Ellis begins his much-hyped run on what has now clearly become the X-Men flagship title. There was little doubt that Ellis would turn in a pleasing first issue, but to suggest that it would actually rival Whedon’s was a bit of a stretch for me. Even so, that’s what he’s done.

Ellis’ version of the X-Men are, perhaps not unexpectedly, closest to Grant Morrison’s version, with emphasis on the scientific nature of mutation and their occasionally tenuous role as superheroes. Ellis immediately embraces the new status quo, with the team’s position in the San Franciscan community playing a substantial role in the events of the issue. Even when the pet Ellis theme of body-modification (in this case, on the genetic level) crops up, it fits in perfectly with the X-Men’s remit, and the idea of a spaceship graveyard both carries over themes from Whedon’s run and draws on the more Sci-Fi side of the property, taking a look at how the dynamics of how a society polluted by extra-terrestials and superheroes might be affected.

While the plot is off to a great start, what really makes the title stand out is the strong voices of each character in the cast. So far, the team closely resembles Whedon’s and the characterisation is nicely continuous, with particular comedy coming from Wolverine as the grumpy, uncouth old man and Emma the superbitch, and strong showings from Beast and Cyclops as well. Storm is perhaps the only time Ellis hits something of a bum note, with his version of her missing the combined sense of wonder and aloofness that she normally displays.

Bianchi’s art is undeniably beautiful to look at, though between his dense shading and Peruzzi’s colours, it all looks quite dark compared to Cassaday and Martin’s clean, bright look. Bianchi’s designs are occasionally a little outlandish (the new X-Jet, for instance, is an almost-hilarious mass of futuristic fins) but his minor costume tweaks suit each character perfectly.

Anyone upset by Whedon’s slow pace should find plenty of things going on in Astonishing #25. It’s a perfect jumping on point for readers, and as an aside, I’d like to point out how pleasing it is to see a title go through a major creative change WITHOUT anyone feeling the need to slap a number #1 on the cover. I love a book with a little history behind it. I was expecting Ellis to continue the title’s grand tradition of excellence, but he may have actually managed to raise its game at the same time.

Every Wednesday we take turns to delve into our trusty longboxes, pluck out a dusty back issue, and give you our thoughts. We’ll also try and place it in the context of the time it was originally published.

We’ve taken our fair share of pops at Jeph Loeb of late – it’s not something we’d apologise for, as he genuinely is writing some of the worst comics Marvel are publishing at the moment, but it is worth noting that in this industry, writers don’t tend to achieve his level of success and repute by being entirely worthless. There must have been a point at which Loeb was writing comics good enough to grant him his current reputation – and, indeed, there was. In his collaborations with Tim Sale, he’s turned in some genuinely great work – Batman : The Long Halloween and Dark Victory, Spider-Man : Blue, A Superman For All Seasons. But before his switch to Marvel (and indeed before his descent into a world of cack with his Superman/Batman run), his biggest success was Hush, the mega-selling twelve-part Batman story.

It’s not as fondly regarded now as it was at the time, mind – largely because it’s one of those stories that has far less going on than appears, once you begin to peer under the surface. Essentially, it’s a “blockbuster” series designed to bring together as many famous Batman characters as possible (plus Superman) for Jim Lee to draw – because, really, the book’s success was more down to the return of Lee to mainstream interior artwork than anything else. As such, Hush is seen as something of a “style over substance” effort. Not that said “style” is unwelcome – Lee’s artwork is gorgeous from start to finish, almost career-best work.

And it’s not as if Loeb doesn’t try to bring the substance. In this final issue, he finally brings together the disparate threads of his “mystery” – the identity of the murderer of Bruce’s childhood friend Tommy Elliott. The main problem, though, is that it doesn’t really work as a mystery at all – despite the assertion that “all the clues were there from the beginning”, and references to things like The Purloined Letter, it really isn’t a fair game. Essentially, the story is a succession of “ah, you thought it was them, but it’s not!” rug pulls – the apparent identity of Hush jumps from Two-Face to Jason Todd to Elliott himself, while characters such as Ra’s al Ghul and even Lex Luthor make appearances without it ever really being clear what their true role in the plot is. Even after Elliott is unmasked as his own “killer” (with some really quite ludicrous motivation for his hatred of the Waynes – because he’d engineered his parents’ car accident as a child in order to inherit their money, but Thomas Wayne saved his mother), there’s a further “twist” to come as it transpires that the Riddler, after a dip in a Lazarus pit, had figured out Batman’s identity and engineered the entire thing.

It’s not a bad ending in and of itself, but the problem is that it feels like an epilogue after one sudden “reveal” too many – and it’s hard to see what purpose it solves. Nigma having knowledge of Bruce’s identity opens a whole can of worms that even Loeb seems aware of, as he offers the flimsy cover-up clause that “a riddle that everyone knows is worthless”. It’s almost as if Loeb realised that Elliott made a less compelling villain than first thought (or that the dots didn’t simply join together as regards his knowledge of the double-life), and felt obligated to bolt on an even wider conspiracy. But unfortunately, it doesn’t really fly, and furthermore, it’s a difficult bit of status quo to leave hanging for the future (I’m not even sure how it was resolved for the Riddler to have become the money-grabbing celebrity detective he is in the current run) – even as Loeb cancels out the one major change that did seem to have legs (the intriguing Batman/Catwoman relationship, left in ruins at the end by such a hasty moment that you wonder if it wasn’t forced on the writer by editorial decree).

That’s not to say that the book is totally worthless as a read. While it suffers from one of Loeb’s most annoying tropes – masses of in-character narration that consists of little more than recapping plot or explaining who various characters are as they appear - it’s clear from this and other work that the mythology of Batman is one that Loeb gets. He has a good understanding of the character and his wide supporting cast, and it makes him a decent choice for this “pick ‘n’ mix” of a story, even if said story is more lightweight than it fancies itself. Of particular note, among the many twists that the story piles on, is the use of Harold, an oft-forgotten member of the early-mid ‘90s Batcave team, and the ending to his story is genuinely tragic.

In the end, though, while Hush was lauded at the time, and sold by the bucketload, reading it now leaves you with a similar feeling to an overdose of sugar – it’s oversaturated, too reliant on Lee’s artwork to gloss over the holes in the plot, and creates more problems for itself than it can solve. It’s certainly not without worth – and gets points for being a genuine, self-contained Batman story at a time when the Batbooks were still being used for endless annual interminable crossovers – but it does mark the beginning of the end for Loeb’s “golden touch”, and you can’t help but wonder if the hype and success of such a mediocre story may have set him down the road towards thinking dross like Ultimates 3 and Hulk was in any way acceptable.

A blockbuster epic approached as a short story collection might sound a contradiction in terms, but is a concept very suited to Brian Bendis’s slow-burn writing style. With the casts of both Avengers titles still tied up in the Savage Land, the Secret Invasion’s mastermind continues his trip through the Marvel Universe’s recent past, showing how Hank Pym was seduced by his Skrull replacement. In seeking refuge from the failure of his marriage with an impressionable student, Giant Man’s conduct may be somewhat reprehensible, but the issue doesn’t feel like a straightforward morality tale. A montage sequence makes clear that the relationship is more than just a one-night stand, and early anxiety from Pym that his new girlfriend will sell her story makes it clear that he’s taken a leap of faith. Given the limited number of pages available, the writer sensibly doesn’t attempt to establish much of a cover story for the alien student. Even without the Invasion logo on the cover, her nature would obvious, and it’s a sign of the author’s experience he doesn’t seek to waste the reader’s time by attempting to inject suspense.

The focus on Pym is an understandable decision. His absence from the regular cast of either Avengers title means that he benefits from a certain amount of re-establishment, so that the secrets his impostor can give her fellow Skrulls are obvious. However, this almost first-person approach creates problems during the second half of the story. Given how closely we’ve identified with Pym, the switch in perspective to that of his Skrull suitor is jarring. Bendis clearly isn’t ready to spill the beans on the fates of those replaced during the invasion, but the face that the Skrull doesn’t even check whether her target is still alive feels rather forced. The un-named agent’s voluntary sex change also seems artificial, given how every impostor revealed to date has been of the same gender as his or her victim, but it’s an understandable way of simplifying the story.

Although a nice enough character piece, the issue is constrained by having to fit with the Secret Invasion formula without imparting much new information. We’ve seen the skrulls’ body snatching techniques before in the pages of The New Avengers, and the way the aliens managed to disable Starktech’s systems is hardly the most pressing issue in the crossover. At times, it’s a charming little story, but the moments when the issue’s cynical conception shows through make it difficult to wholeheartedly enjoy.

Greetings, Earthling readers. I am What-oh! The Comics Daily Watcher. Once in a while, a comic comes along so horrible that it gives everyone who reads it a stomach ulcer. Titans #1, for instance. However, once in a cosmic lifetime, this happens twice in the same week. This week, for instance. The simultaneous release of Ultimates 3 #4 and Hulk #4 has brought me forth from my lunar hideout to witness two of the most amazingly stupid comics ever published, and record the event for all history to see.

No-one here on the moon is quite sure what Jeph Loeb is thinking, but one thing is certain: he’s releasing some of the most error-prone and unreadable comics that Marvel have published for years, and he’s using two of their biggest properties to do it. While I am pledged never to interfere with human events, I can at least rely on the Comics Daily guys to do it for me. What follows is a double-shot examination of the comics in question, starting with a deconstruction of Ultimates v3 #4, by Seb Patrick:

Page 1 –

Oh, that’s a hell of a caption to get us started. So you can be specific (and, er, wrong, as we’ll see) about the location, but not the date? What, exactly, is the point in saying “Years ago”? The page is GREY. Grey is comics shorthand for “years ago”. Way to labour the point, Loeb. Oh, wait, sorry, forgot who I was talking to, there. Keep labouring.

Ignoring yet another instance of misspelling “Erik”, why are they going to Australia? Is that famously-uninhabited island going to be the new home of the mutant race?

Page 2 -
So the plane crashes in the Savage Land. It’s nice, that, the way Erik and Chuck discover the place at the same time. It’s a good job Mark Millar didn’t already write an issue of Ultimate X-Men in which Mags discovered the place on his own and subsequently brought Charlie there, eh?

Remember, kids, Marvel trust Jeph Loeb so much they’re letting him bring about the end of a universe about which he has never read a single comic!

Page 4 –

Baby Ka-Zar and Shanna is such a fucking ridiculous image that I can’t even muster the energy to talk about it.

Page 6 –

Another helpful caption, there, just in case we thought the switch back to colour and the presence of some sabre-toothed tigers made us believe we were in 1980s Brooklyn.

… and here we have the first instance (no, it won’t be the last) of Loeb clearly shoehorning in a line that addresses some of the criticism aimed at his earlier issues. What, you think there’s another reason why this issue was so badly delayed? “Look, everyone, there’s a reason why Thor isn’t using Mjolnir! He just chose to use a different one from the many he has available!” Oh, well. That’s alright, then.

Page 7 –

So Captain America, who doesn’t like swearing or revealing outfits or anything about the world post-1950, is a fan of Terminator 2. Great. Don’t worry, though. This line will be explained later. You’ll love the explanation. Trust me. Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Page 8 -

Incidentally, notice how yet again a woman can’t do anything without being rescued by a man.

Yes, folks, Cap was really a robot! One robot killed another robot in order to try and do exactly the same thing! You know what this reminded me of? That Red Dwarf episode, “Psirens”. So yes, Cap quoted a famous movie about a murderous robot because he himself was a murderous robot! I love this book so much. I’m also looking forward to the explanation for why Wolverine wasn’t able to smell the fact that these guys were fakes. Because I know an explanation is coming! It’s Loeb!

In between miraculously recovering from drugs overdoses and escaping ankle-tagging house arrest (explanation : “That’s not important right now”) Hank Pym still finds time to wish for the death of America’s greatest super-hero. So hey, one aspect of Ultimates characterisation IS still intact!

Pages 9 to… oh, God, I don’t know, this goes on for ages

So now we’re treated to a whole bunch of pages of the Ultimates fighting the Brotherhood of Mutants. I’m not quite sure why this is happening, to be honest. As far as I can see, Wanda was murdered, and her body taken by Magneto and Pietro. I think the Ultimates think Magneto did it, although I don’t know why they think they’re more qualified to comment than Pietro. Anyway, their response to this is to go to the Savage Land and FIGHT MUTANTS, rather than letting two men grieve the loss of their daughter/sister.

Anyway, Hawkeye acts like a dick, Sabretooth fights tigers (DO YOU SEE BECAUSE THEY ARE SABRE TOOTHED TIGERS), Shanna does nothing but call Ka-Zarr “lover”, the Juggernaut shows up, Wolverine says “@#$%” a lot, and Valkyrie is made to wonder if her life as a hero is real or imaginary, even though Millar already did THAT EXACT SAME PLOT WITH THOR.

Oh, and Pyro, last seen in Ultimate X-Men as one of the, er, X-Men, appears to have turned into Doctor Light.

Page 20 –

“Apart from being all kinds of dead, yeah”

Oh, wait, this might be another attempt at foreshadowing. Like the fact that we suddenly don’t know where Captain America is, and yet we still haven’t heard Black Panther speak. Whoooooh.

Page 21 –

“Er, because I’m not mincing around fretting about things?

Er, Jan. Read Secret Invasion. Or watch any film ever where someone has had to prove to someone else who they really are. Incidentally, female characters in this series so far : whiny moaning Wanda, boobs-hanging-out Valley girl Valkyrie, boobs-hanging-out cavegirl Shanna, and Jan the Thicko. Well played, Loeb!

Fractionalize. Verb. 1. To appear in a Matt Fraction comic. Usage example : “Tony Stark was so much better when he was Fractionalized, rather than Loebotomized.”

Also, did Loeb really just use the word “poo”? Really?

Page 22 -

Dude, you’re an extremely lifelike humanoid robot masquerading as a superhero in a plot ripped off from Secret Invasion, Battlestar Galactica or a combination of the two. Odds are, nobody’s ever thought of you as a toaster. The only things that people think of as toasters are… you know… toasters. And combination grills, at a pinch. Also, ignoring the “hur hur hur, SEX!!!1″ nature of the line, I don’t know about you, but I can think of far worse things to be than a vibrator.

Such as Jeph Loeb, for one.

Bad reviews make Hulk angry, I believe, but at least I’m safe from any attacks. After all, with my non-interference pledge, I can be assured that, like Switzerland during World War 2, I remain a neutral, safe and overflowing with Nazi gold. Unlike that fool Uatu, who just has to be on the front line every time Galactus wants a light snack. When will he ever learn?

Next up is James’ take on Hulk #4:

Previously…
THE RED HULK IS ON THE LOOSE AND HE’S A TOTAL @#$%ING BADASS. HE SHOT THE ABOMINATION! HE BEAT UP THE OTHER, RICK “A-BOMB” JONES ABOMINATION, WHO IS NOW BLUE. CAN ANYONE STOP THIS WALKING PILE OF AWESOME? MAYBE, BECAUSE THE GREEN HULK JUST SHOWED UP!

The issue opens with the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY:

That right. The Hulk punches out the Watcher. Why? BECAUSE RED HULK IS THE KEWLEST ONE THERE IS, THAT’S WHY.

We then return to your regularly scheduled “plot” as the Green Hulk, last seen confronting the Red Hulk in the cliffhanger to #3 shows up from wherever he was while Red Hulk was beating up the Watcher.

“After all, it’s been like 2 solid months since the last issue.”

Anyway, the fight we’ve been waiting to see finally begins! Naturally, the Red Hulk’s going to win, because he’s a COMPLETE BADASS. And how do we know? Because there’s LOTS OF THAT FAKE SWEARING GOING ON:

Seriously, what the hell? If you REALLY think a character needs to swear, let them swear. If not, don’t bother with this half-way house bollocks. Everyone reading @#$% knows what it means, even the kids. Okay, yes, you don’t want swearing in a Marvel all-ages comic. That’s fine, but that means that you SHOULDN’T DO THIS EITHER. The worst crime, though? It’s not even INTERESTING to read. At least when Bendis does the fake swearing, it’s to add texture to character’s individual speech patterns. Here, Loeb is using it purely in the absence of any dialogue that’s actually interesting or witty, to illustrate just how @#$%ING COOL THE MOTHER@#$%ING RED HULK IS. He would totally @#$% your @#$% up, then probably @#$% your sister in her [Volkswagen --ed] just to prove he’s the baddest @#$%er around. You @#$%head.

Anyway, the Red and Green Hulk fight. This takes up 8 pages, mostly of the Red Hulk spewing dialogue about how he is the most awesomest Hulk of the available choices. Green Hulk is finally strangled into unconsciousness, a fate that unfortunately eludes the readers of this comic.

Meanwhile, back at the latest trashed SHIELD Helicarrier, Iron Man and Maria Hill are trying to figure out what happened, when they discover a ripped coat:

Saturated with Gamma radiation, is it? Sounds like the field officers are playing a practical joke on you there, Ms. Hill. Wikipedia describes Gamma Radiation as “the most dangerous form of radiation emitted by a nuclear explosion because of the difficulty in shielding it.” Probably going to need a little more than those tongs to keep you safe. Lucky SHIELD’s no place for kids, because her chances of having any just dropped off the scale.

That’s right. Tony Stark, the Marvel Universe’s premiere futurologist can’t figure out that someone’s Gamma-saturated, shredded coat that tore when the person wearing it GREW suggests that it might belong to THE GAMMA-EMITTING RED HULK THAT DESTROYED THEIR HELICARRIER FROM THE INSIDE. You know, the one they’ve been TRYING TO TRACK DOWN FOR 4 ISSUES.

Elsewhere, the Green Hulk wakes up, and the Red Hulk has a gun stuck right in his mouth! He delivers a big monologue about how difficult it was to keep Hulk Hulked-out while he was unconscious, which he wanted, because…

The main question here, then, is WHY DID YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE HULK TO WAKE UP TO KILL HIM? If you wanted him dead, AND he was the Hulk while you were bringing him to this bridge for no reason, WHY NOT JUST SHOOT HIM BEFORE HE WAKES UP? You’ll notice the Hulk has a gun in his mouth, so it’s not like Red Hulk is after a fair fight here.

Luckily, the Green Hulk bites the gun in half and escapes by falling off the bridge into a river. Red Hulk declares himself the strongest one there is, thanks to victory by default! DE-FAULT! DE-FAULT! THE TWO GREATEST WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

But wait! It’s not over! WHO SHOULD SHOW UP BUT THOR? What’s this? Are we in for our third straight issue of Red Hulk Vs. Someone who loses so we know that he’s the most badass punching man in all of Marvel?! I BELIEVE SO! The cliffhanger declares, VERILY:

At which point, my ears actually began to bleed. CONTINUEDETH? Leaving aside the fact that Straczynski’s Thor doesn’t even talk in King James English, STAN LEE HIMSELF WOULDN’T HAVE MANGLED THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE THAT POORLY.

The issue ends with a one-pager by Audrey Loeb and Chris Giarusso, which is far superior to anything on the previous 22 pages.

In summation: Don’t buy Hulk #4. Just don’t. It is VERY BAD.

There’s plenty of news worth commenting on straight out of Wizard World Chicago as the Summer’s con season truly gets going, including reflections on the unfortunate passing of Mike Turner, Ghost Rider news (seriously), the near-mythical Superman 2000 pitch and Eric Stephenson’s recent promotion.

First off, once again we’re forced to start with some sad news, although this one has hit the industry rather harder - artist Michael Turner has lost his battle with cancer at the stupidly young age of 37. This is the point at which I have to admit that I’ve never been much of a fan of Turner’s work - he was one of the foremost proponents of a style of female character artwork that I’ve found at times to be damaging to perceptions of the industry, and I’ve mentioned before my distaste for the recent “Super-Torso” version of Supergirl in particular. Nevertheless, it’s undeniable that there was a level of technical excellence to his work that elevated him above most similar artists - and quite aside from that, liking of his work or otherwise isn’t really an issue when someone who was by all accounts an absolutely lovely bloke, and who soldiered on for many years - still turning in top-level artwork - with such illness passes away it’s a sad event for the industry as a whole. As with the death of Mike Wieringo, it’s an untimely event that has robbed the industry of one of its genuine superstar talents. (SP)

One of my favourite bits of news coming out of WWC? Dan Ketch is back in the saddle! In addition to Ketch returning to the cast of Ghost Rider, Si Spurrier is doing a new limited series that’ll examine the man himself and how he fits into the new Ghost Rider mythos. As someone who was, perhaps implausibly, always a bigger fan of Ketch than Blaze (for example, check out my review of 2007’s Ghost Rider Finale on Noise to Signal) you can fully expect to see some reviews of this series when it comes out. It just goes to prove one of my favourite things about the comics industry - If every character is someone’s favourite, you just have to wait long enough and eventually, a writer or editor will come along who remembers them. (JH)

After spending years filed under “we know it’s out there but no-one wants to leak it”, the fabled Superman 2000 pitch document is finally making its way into the public domain, bit by bit, courtesy of Timothy Callahan and Chad Nevett. In case you don’t know what it’s all about, it’s basically a proposal (from the year 2000) by Grant Morrison, Mark Millar, Tom Peyer and Mark Waid to overhaul and revamp Superman for the new decade - from the sound of things, it would have been more of a revamp than Superman Birthright, but slightly less of one than The Man of Steel. Rather than simply lumping the whole thing online, the guys are taking it in turns to post excerpts of it along with their thoughts, and there’s some really interesting stuff coming out - there would have been drastic changes, no doubt, but it might have given the character a real spark at a time when one was badly needed (as it is, it’s only really in an out-of-continuity story, All-Star, that someone has been able to make Superman truly great again - although we hold out great hope for the Robinson run, of course). For me, perhaps the most surprising aspect is the fact that the guys basically wanted to do a One More Day of their own - getting rid of the Clark/Lois marriage without having them divorce. The similarities go further than that, though - with his identity unmasked by Luthor and Brainiac (in a story that sounds like it would have been far bigger, and better, than the half-hearted Civil War Spidey tie-ins), Superman finds almost every aspect of his life shattered. The final straw is when Brainiac manages to fix things so that Lois’ very knowledge of his identity is a “poisonous” memory that is slowly killing her. Only with the help of Mr Mxyzptlk is the memory erased (after a heartbreaking “one more day” together, heh heh), and the classic Superman/Clark/Lois “love triangle” restored. But seriously, substitute Mxy for Mephisto, and you’ve basically got One More Day in a nutshell. Unlike some of the ideas that were carried over by Morrison to All-Star or Waid to Birthright, the similarities here are genuinely baffling - unless, of course, Millar had a quiet word in someone’s ear upon his move to Marvel…? (SP)

It’s certainly interesting to see that Eric Stephenson is taking over as Publisher of Image. While he’s always had a pretty big role in the running of Image lately, it’s no bad thing to see him stepping up to a slightly more prominent place. It’s unlikely to mean any big changes to Image, though Stephenson does have a reputation as something of an anglophile, so British creators might have an even easier time there now. Still, it does mean that the changes of a proper sequel to Long Hot Summer are getting lower! (JH)

This week’s Den of Geek linkwhore: My latest column suggests some Manga for Comics Fans, for those people who still seem to think that they’re not, essentially, the same thing. You know who you are. Meanwhile, Seb has reviewed the latest Strontium Dog collection. (JH)

Ellis’ run on Thunderbolts has had a relatively slow, menacing burn throughout its pages, even when all hell was breaking loose in Thunderbolts Mountain. With his final issue, he really blows the lid off of all of his building subplots, making the 12-issue run a nicely complete piece of writing, with every character tension finally bubbling to the surface, with particular fanboy glee at seeing the Doc Samson Vs Moonstone “battle of the psychiatrists.”

Even so, the book’s standout moment has to be seeing Osborn back in the Goblin costume and running riot. It was utterly brilliant comics, and it’s hard to imagine the character now without thinking of Ellis’ pill-popping, brilliantly intelligent take as being the definitive one. That said, the idea of this version of Osborn fighting Spider-Man is utterly laughable, if only because Osborn would probably have him torn in half before he had a chance to say “my spidey-sense is tingling!” Ellis is clearly having fun writing Osborn’s dialogue, with constant poor-taste references to his murdering of Gwen Stacy, and as a result he’s clearly the breakout character for the title.

That’s not to say that Ellis doesn’t get the rest of the cast - after all, Bullseye’s unexpected return was a great twist, and even Penance gets his moment. There’s not been a neglected member in the cast for the duration of his run.

Putting Songbird “in charge” of the team is a welcome development for all long-time Thunderbolts fans, and suggests that in future, the book will move slightly more in the direction of the standard superheroics that typified its run - not that the bleak, oppressive governmental version hasn’t been fun, but it’ll be nice to see a change of pace if Ellis can’t be the one writing it. Osborn’s ability to sleaze his way out of culpability for his rampage is almost too neat, as he gets away with everything American Psycho-style. Even so, this leaves incoming writer Christos Gage with some good opportunities - after all, is Osborn got away with it once…

It’s been a good run. Even with Ellis at the helm, Thunderbolts was never going to be seen as a top tier Marvel book, but for the last 12 issues, it’s definitely been one of the best reads. The one distracting thing is Deodato’s penchant for drawing the characters as recognisable celebrities. This week: Ed Norton as Penance is added to the “cast”. Can we please stop this?